I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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