when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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