Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
