JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
