You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
