But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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