i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
