i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
