drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Drake has all the answers
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
