So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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