Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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