I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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