Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
