I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
