$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
