how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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