Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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