I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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