1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
