Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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