found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
