as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
