I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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