Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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