i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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