I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
