i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
