just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
