I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
