i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
