just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
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