i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
