I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
