There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
