Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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