Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
