A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
