I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
