my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
