My balls are so social today.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
