i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
