God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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