Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
