I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
We just shotgunned beers for America
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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