I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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