it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
