She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
