My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
