Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
