Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
i think my cat just said my name.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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