i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
