Someone shit on the floor
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
