just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
