I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
