Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
