God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
