It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
