You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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